totchipanda (totchipanda) wrote,

Politics and the State of Me

This is gonna be a weird post. I was so tired last night but couldnt sleep thanks to anxiety (i dont know why), so tje bones of this was thought up while rolling around in bed.

First the fun stuff: sewing! My friend doesnt have enough salvaged hoop wire for both of us to use, so im going ahead with plumbing tubing. I have 84" or so leftover from the farthingale but i still need at least 3 more 25' rolls. At $12 each plus the copper connectors, i cant get them right now (im in the black for the first time in years, trying hard to stay there!) but hopefully soon. I did get enough wire into my hoop to at least measure the lengths needed to start a petticoat. I've worn a hoop precisely twice, should be fun :)

Right now im debating starting a project for the HSM or forging ahead with more of the Big Project, except the BP really needs that hoop finished before i can really make headway. Sigh.

Yesterday i decided to knit instead of pretty much anything else. Im working on a pair of socks. I will probably need a longer circular needle than the one im using. I also finished a beaded pineapple purse, and then frogged it. It seemed too narrow and long, so the person im making it for and i agreed that it was just not right, and im starting over. I think id like to use a slightly larger needle, liiiiike the one im using for the socks...

On saturday i forgot to wash the shawl i use at work, and its sitting in my car awaiting my next visit to my friend's house. I pulled out the winter shawl from Godey's i madeba couple years ago, which just feels too small, so now i want a new one. Bad self! Finish other projects first!

Ok, now the less fun stuff. 

Ugh what a fraught topic. I am so scared of whats happening south pf the border but also feeling pretty helpless since im in canada. I should be reaching out to local and national groups since there is actionable things i can do here. But Stuff and Reasons, etc etc. My desire to stay informed is at war with wanting to keep myself protected. I dont want to lose sight of the issues but i also cant get myself lost in them. Its a fine line.

While i enjoy a lot of the names coming up (Lord Commander Marmalade is my favourite) i also dont want to spend a lot of energy on dismissing him or the administration. Like Harry Potter wanting to give Voldemort power by refusing to euphemise his name (until it became dangerous to do so) and at the same time taking that power away by the same action (complicated? Yep!), i want to be able to say yes, i see you, and i am not afraid.

I still want the kitten extension for Chrome to actually work. And i AM afraid. Waaaaaaaaay too many people are being hurt, and its only been 2 official weeks. But i refuse to be intimidated.

This part ia harder to write about, partly because i dont want to use "public" spaces as my therapist, but this also what i live with every day. So, this part contains a lotof brainweasels. They chew on a lot of stuff.

January was a pretty high-anxiety month over all. It spiked around the full moon, as usual, but then just kinda stayed there. The politics stuff above did not help, im sure. Im starting to think that driving is not helping either, as the anxiety i feel while driving gets pushed aside but is not gone, so it spills into the rest of my life. (Once my office moves, i will start walking to work. Its closer than currently and the exercise will be good for me. Assuming i stay in this office after the move, that is... Bosslady assured me that i will still have a job even if the head honchos decide to use only one person and that person is not me.)

February is historically worse. Seasonal depression will kick in pretty soon so then the anxiety, which tends to be "me me meeeeeee!!!!" like a petulant toddler, changes to "no one ever cares why bother". It gets worse no matter what i do. Meatspace, online, the weasels are the same. No one can fix this for me, its work i have to do myself. It feels impossible. Starting therapy is going to be fucking hard. There were a couple precipitating events for these thoughts but they arent important in the grand scheme, because something else would have set it off. "If not now, when?" is the theme in different ways. Its hard to break the cycle.

Also contributing is my cat's health. His blood sugars have dropped at the level of insulin i had him on, and we're in an adjustment phase. Theres a lot of worry about that too.

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